Monday, February 27, 2017

So I had a bit of a breakdown...

*deep through the nose...out through the mouth*

You know,  it's kind of funny how some of us humans will know something is good for us and even admit to wanting that good something, yearning for it, even; yet, we can be so reluctant to actually grasp it or take ownership of it. For me, that tantalizing good, that healthful habit, has been to get back to writing.

This blog started out as a place for me to put into words the thoughts that tumble around in my head, and believe head is a jumbled mess. There is so much in there that needs to get out, but I am a firm believer in "first things first", and I very strongly felt that this post needed to happen before any other new posts. Why? I don't rightly know. I suppose it is because I feel the need to give anyone who might stumble across it some background information for what may or may not come out next. Context can be vital to understanding, and I sincerely hate being misunderstood. The problem is, I have been known to misunderstand myself.

Those close to me know that I have battled depression for decades, now. Like anyone else with any kind of mental illness, my symptoms wax and wane; sometimes with no obvious trigger, but at least with obvious indicators, so that I can say "I am feeling down today" if it isn't a good day. But sometimes it is more than just a day. Or a month. 2016 was just a cruddy year. There were a couple of wonderful highlights that surely helped me make it to this year, but when all was said and done, 2016 sucked.

My hubby and I filed for bankruptcy late in 2015, so 2016 started of with that reality. Each of our four children had at least one major episode of negative/hyper-emotional impact during the year; the first of which occurred in March 2016. And, actually, that same child had had an event right at the tail end of 2015, so that also helped start of the year with a bang. I don't even remember exactly when the next offspring episode occurred, although it was technically a continuation and heightening of a "preexisting condition", but it was sometime during Spring or Summer.

During the Summer, we grieved with my brother and his family as they buried a child. Toward the end of Summer, we nearly lost my mother to a heart attack. Not long after school started, the next offspring episode erupted, followed a few weeks later by the next, and quite possibly biggest of them all.

I think it should be no wonder, then, that I had a nervous breakdown at the end of October. I am extremely fortunate that the second charge of those explosives were discharged in front of some of my adult family members, as we discussed the  consequences of the then most recent life event of one of my offspring. I was made to promise that I would go to my doctor, which I did, just a few days later. Which was a good thing, because my kids weren't done making 2016 interesting.

At some point, I intend to write more about what my depression was like for me this last year, because I want others to be able read and understand that they are not alone when they go through these things. I also want to help make those without this kind of mental illness aware of what we sometimes go through and how bad things can get without some people even being aware. Many of us are very good at hiding our mental illness from the world and that really isn't a good thing. Except for those who witnessed it,  most people in my life would never have known about my breakdown if I had not told them.

With all of this finally said, I will call it a night; a night in which I expect I will get decent sleep, since I won't have this oversized jumble of thoughts tumbling around in my head. Which also means that the other jumbled up thoughts will likely start pouring out more rapidly. If you are still reading, thank you, and know that I appreciate you and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.